I know, I know…I brought this on myself. But it doesn’t change the fact that I seriously considered paying each of my children ten dollars (baby included) a few days ago in an attempt to bribe them to take a nap so that I could join them for a blissful afternoon snooze. Believe me, $30 would have been a bargain for two hours of shut-eye. Alas, I couldn’t pull off the coordinated family nap and by the time the two little ones fell asleep, I had to wake them back up 20 minutes later to load up the van for hockey practice. You know what’s worse than not being able to get your kids to take a nap? Getting your kids to take a nap and then having to wake them up in the middle of it. Hell hath no fury like a four year old roused from rest before she is ready.
It probably goes without saying that reliable sleep patterns have been as elusive as a rainbow unicorn at my house lately. After the first magical 10 months of my baby’s life in which she slept for a solid 10-12 hours per night, she has now decided to mix it up a bit. Luckily for me, she’s developed a new pattern of waking up an average of 2-3 times every night for the past few months. She’s spontaneous; I’ll give her that. Which led me to think about the things that I would consider in exchange for some sleep. Here is my incomplete (and quickly growing) list:
1. Skip a full season of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or Bachelor in Paradise. (I’m sure Claire would still be on it when I resumed my regularly scheduled addiction to trashy faux-romance reality T.V.)
2. Purposely run my shin into the corner of my bed frame.
3. Wear acid-washed overalls with one strap down (circa 1993) out in public. (Side-note: I spotted these at Target last week and almost threw up in my mouth.)
4. Give up my flip-flops for the entire summer. I need more arch support anyways.
5. Pay full price for any item at a garage sale.
6. Watch eight back-to-back episodes of Caillou.
7. Listen to “What the Fox Says” on a loop while running three miles.
8. Encourage my husband to play more golf.
9. Chaperone a middle school dance.
10. Volunteer to bring five-dozen, homemade cookies to a bake sale fundraiser.
11. Attend a bowling tournament.
12. Allow my son to give me a thirty-minute tutorial on the ins and outs of Minecraft.
13. Water my hanging baskets regularly.
14. Encourage my daughter to use her play-doh while sitting on my living room carpet.
15. Take my 3 kids, my sister’s 2 kids, and 5 more of their cousins with me on my next trip to the grocery store.
16. Minor surgery of the inpatient variety. (Required rest, room-service, AND a nurse’s button—basically an all-inclusive resort vacation courtesy of Blue Cross Blue Shield minus the umbrella drinks.)
17. Cheer for Michigan State. (Go Irish!)
18. Attempt to learn calculus. (Operative word: attempt.)
19. Get a root canal.
20. Not shop at Hobby Lobby for an entire year regardless of any 80% off sales on fall decor or 50% off picture frames. (I can hear my husband’s familiar refrain in my head as I type this: “Stace, 50% off of crap is still crap.)
21. Post a video of myself on social media attempting to dance the Whip Nae Nae.
22. Do 30 burpees. (okay, maybe 3…I’m not a masochist)
23. Organize the Tupperware cabinet.
24. Read a Cosmopolitan magazine from cover to cover. (This would literally be tortuous and probably defies all of the provisions of the Geneva Convention.)
25. Eat a fish sandwich from McDonalds.
If you have any items to add to my list—things you’d consider in exchange for a nap-I’d love to hear your suggestions. Life is all about trade-offs right?