Husband: “Don’t forget to write about how I streamline things.”
Me: “You streamline things?”
Husband: “Yeah, all the time!”
Me: “Why did it take you two hours to put the kids to bed tonight then?”
Husband: “Oh, yeah, I normally streamline things when you’re not home.”
Me: “Well, that seems convenient.”
So, here is my breakdown of the language gap between husbands and wives. It's amazing how much gets lost in translation. Let's just say they're lucky they're so cute...and that they buy us sparkly things.
What we think that means: A nice rotisserie chicken from the grocery store with a side of green beans, mashed potatoes, and rolls….a representation from all of the food groups
What that really means: Whatever gimmick pizza is currently featured on a TV commercial: BBQ bacon cheeseburger with a pretzel crust, Philly Cheesesteak, or one topped with Fritos and chili
What we think that means: Son will take a shower on his own, daughter will follow suit, baby will be given a bath in a controlled environment with two inches of water.
What that really means: All three will be lined up in the whirlpool tub in the master bathroom, backs to Daddy, for a hair washing assembly line. This will be followed by a splashing contest and timed attempts (complete with stopwatch) to see who can hold their breath the longest under water.
What we think that means: Baths will be given, teeth will be brushed, jammies will be on, books will be read, and eyes will be closed by the normal 8:00 bedtime
What that really means: Wrestling matches in the living room will end around 9:00, baths will be skipped, teeth might be brushed, kids will talk him into wearing their underwear to bed, and laughs will be heard from the bedroom at 10:00 when books are trumped by a YouTube video featuring the funny pronunciation of food names...on repeat
What we think that means: Clothes will be sorted (whites/darks), washed at the appropriate temperature, folded, and put away.
What that really means: Clothes will be washed and dried….and maybe folded. But never, ever put away. They will be stacked neatly in a pile on the floor next to the dresser though.
What we think that means: Dishes will be loaded into the dishwasher, counters and tables will be wiped off, and excess food will be swept off of the floor and deposited into the trash receptacle.
What that really means: Dishes will be loaded into the dishwasher, but the cups will be in the place normally reserved for the bowls, and the spoons and forks will be upside down in the silverware holder. The crumbs will remain on the counters and floor to feed any ants that might need a midnight snack. As a bonus, there will be a large puddle of water on the counter close to the sink from the rinsed off dishes.
What we think that means: A changed diaper, 15 seconds tops
What that really means: A naked baby, crawling away and laughing, with a big brother and sister chanting, “Go, baby, go!”
What we think that means: An assortment of hours devours: veggie platter, cheese and crackers, pasta salad, fresh guacamole, mini quiche, meatballs.
What that really means: Anything that comes in a bag (Doritos, pretzels, Chex mix), five types of cheese dip, and a package of break-n-bake cookies.
What we think that means: Outfits of the appropriate size made of items that match (i.e., pink shorts paired with a purple shirt with a pink flower on it).
What that really means: A crap shoot. The baby’s shirt might match her shorts, but it actually came from her sister’s closet and, as a result, it is six sizes too big and looks more like a dress. The two older kids are left to choose their own clothes: a Notre Dame cheerleading costume for the girl and yesterday’s pajama shirts paired with camouflage shorts for the boy.
What we think that means: A stylish cut, spiked up in the front with product
What that really means: A buzz cut…on level 2…all over
What we think that means: A sleeping baby in her crib and a Daddy ready to help with the other household chores that still need to be done
What that really means: A sleeping baby, in the arms of her sleeping Daddy, both snoring, in the recliner in the living room
What we think that means: A stern talk about why we don’t whine and how she needs to be tough and figure it out on her own
What that really means: A Daddy completing whatever task was stumping her, with a daughter (arms wrapped around his neck) cooing, “Thanks Daddy, you always fix things.”
What we think that means: I love you
What that really means: I will work 12 hour days, give up chances to golf, take care of our finances, clean the bathrooms, get up in the middle of the night with the baby, take on extra work so that you can stay home with our kids, exercise after helping put the kids to bed (even if it’s at 10:00), write you love notes, surprise you with jewelry, save money for college, rub your back, and prepare the coffee every night so that it is brewed fresh at the exact time that you wake up in the morning…because I love you.